Neon Genesis Evangelion IF: Zeruel's Question, and My Answer... - Zeruel's Question and the First Cry

It was pitch black. Inside the LCL, the cold liquid brushed against his cheek. Outside, something creaked and groaned, and he could hear the shriek of metal bending out of shape. But that was it. No communications. No Misato-san's voice. Nothing at all. "N... No way..." All the screens remained dark. No matter how many times he pressed the buttons or moved the control sticks, Eva didn't so much as twitch. Heavy impacts—*thud, thud*—shook through from outside. Zeruel. That thing was doing something to Eva. "Help... Someone..." His voice vanished into the LCL. His breathing grew labored, and a tight, cold sensation gripped his chest. *I might die here*, he thought. *This is where it ends.* Near Central Dogma, Eva Unit-01 lay collapsed. Buildings were in ruins, and in the middle of a wasteland of exposed steel frames, the purple giant remained utterly motionless. The umbilical cable had already been severed, and the internal battery timer had hit zero. Shinji was trembling. (*What... did I even come here for...*) In his mind, the battles up until now flickered dimly. Coming to Tokyo-3, boarding Unit-01, defeating Sachiel. He'd done well, but his father hadn't said a word. He'd just kept looking at his reports. The same thing happened with Shamshel, and with Ramiel. No one ever told him "good job." Misato-san would say "welcome home," but that was it. Asuka was always yelling at him for being slow. Rei said nothing at all. (*...No one... cares about me...*) The back of his throat burned. Tears welled up. But inside the LCL, he couldn't even tell which was tears and which was the liquid around him. That was when it happened. A voice spoke directly in the center of his head. —Why do you fight? "Wah—!!" Shinji instinctively covered his ears. But it was useless. The voice wasn't coming from outside. It resonated directly deep inside his brain. A low, quiet, yet crushingly heavy voice. —Why do you go so far to live? It was Zeruel's voice. It should have been terrifying, but the voice held no anger. It wasn't an attack. It just asked, as if genuinely curious. A profoundly lonely-sounding voice. "Stop it... Get out of my head!" —Show me. Your memories. Something burst open inside his mind. Even though he didn't want to see them, his old memories came flooding out one after another. Being led by the hand by his father onto a train when he was in preschool. Being taken to the house of a man he didn't know, and his father saying, "Please take care of this child." After that, his father never came. His uncle's house was uncomfortable. When he watched TV in the living room, he'd get looks that said he was in the way. At mealtimes, he'd make himself small at the very edge of the table to eat. "No... stop... don't look..." Art class in elementary school. The teacher praised a picture of Eva that Shinji had drawn. "You're good at this," they said. But it was Friday, and he couldn't show it to anyone over the weekend. His uncle wasn't interested, and he had no friends. By Monday, everyone had forgotten about the drawing. Middle school was the same. No one ever truly looked at Shinji. —Is all you want simply to be acknowledged? Zeruel's voice sounded almost surprised. As if wondering why someone would fight for such a reason. Into Shinji's mind, a fragment of Zeruel's memories flickered. The sensation of drifting alone in space. A long, long stretch of time where no matter how much it called out, nothing answered. A loneliness where it could never understand anyone. —I am the same. "Shut up!!" Shinji clutched his head with both hands. He curled up small inside the LCL, hugging his knees. His teeth chattered, and his body trembled uncontrollably. He couldn't take it anymore. He hated all of it. Why only him? Why didn't anyone understand? "I just wanted to be praised...!" It didn't come out as a voice. But inside his heart, he screamed it. "I just wanted to be acknowledged...! I just wanted someone to really see me...! I just wanted my father to say 'good job'...!!" In that instant. *Thump.* Unit-01 shuddered. Inside the cockpit, something clicked, as if switching over. Red text raced across the screen. [[Pattern Blue — Angel Identified]] [[Internal Power Source — Unknown]] [[Synch Rate — Rising... 400%... Unmeasurable]] "Huh...?" Outside, he sensed something changing. Zeruel took a step back. —That cry... is that your everything? Zeruel's voice trembled faintly. Was it afraid? Or did it somehow sound almost... happy? —Then, receive it. Eva Unit-01 lurched upright. Its arms extended with a grinding, creaking noise. It was no longer the movement of a machine. It was a beast. It dropped to all fours, and a low, growling vibration resonated through the cockpit. "I-It's moving...!? What is...!!" Shinji clung to his seat. He had no idea what was happening in front of him. Unit-01's mouth pried itself open, as if forced. What grew from within weren't Eva's teeth. They were sharper, gleaming white fangs. Before Zeruel, an orange-glowing A.T. Field deployed. The strongest barrier among all the Angels. A defense that not even Ramiel's beam could penetrate. Unit-01 bit into it. *CRACK-CRUNCH-SHATTER!!* A sound like the air itself splitting apart. The A.T. Field shattered like glass. The fragments glittered, sparkling in the darkness of night. "N-No way... impossible...!" Zeruel tried to escape. But Unit-01's left hand had its body pinned down tight. —I see. You, too, were lonely. There was no longer any fear in Zeruel's voice. No sadness. No loneliness. —I understand now. Your pain. Unit-01's right hand plunged into Zeruel's chest. A wet, squelching sound. It pierced through the armor and dragged something out. Sparks scattered, and a red light, like flesh being torn apart, spilled forth. The core. An incredibly large, deep crimson sphere. It pulsed like a heart, *thump, thump*. Unit-01's fangs sank into it. —Receive it. In that moment, the world split in two. Everything flowed into Shinji's head. Colors. Sounds. Pain. Loneliness. Sadness. Warmth. And then, something beyond words. The sensation of sinking to the bottom of the sea. Memories of being born in space, of being utterly alone for an eternity. The loneliness of traveling for hundreds of millions of years, searching for a place to return to. And yet, the wish to meet someone. All of it, all of it, rushed into Shinji in a torrent. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!" Shinji arched backward. The tears wouldn't stop. He was terrified of understanding it all, but he did understand. Zeruel had been lonely, too. It had just wanted to connect with someone. Just like me. His vision was dyed gold. And then, with a snap, something cut off. Shinji lost consciousness. When he opened his eyes, there was a white ceiling. A faint smell of disinfectant. In the distance, the *beep... beep...* of a machine. He was in a hospital. Shinji stared blankly at the ceiling. (*...I'm alive...*) His body was heavy; even moving a single finger was exhausting. He had no idea how much time had passed. Morning light streamed in through the window. It looked a lot like the light he'd seen through the gaps in the ruined buildings after that battle. How long had he been asleep? Just as Shinji slowly blinked, it happened. A flicker of color at the edge of his vision. "...Huh?" The white of the ceiling was edged with a faint, different color. The light coming in from outside the window wasn't just orange; it was a more complex layering of colors. *What is this?* Shinji rubbed his eyes. But it didn't change. The very air in the room seemed faintly tinted with color. As he thought that, another color seeped in from beyond the door. Blue, and gray, and then a tiny bit of red. The colors seemed to be leaking from someone in the hallway. The door opened. "Shinji-kun...!" It was Misato-san. Her long black hair, reaching down to her waist, was tied back as usual, but a little disheveled. Her large brown eyes were red, as if she'd been crying, and her makeup-free face looked exhausted. But around her, a warm color spread. A soft light, like a mix of orange and pink. It enveloped her entire body. (*What... is this...*) Shinji's eyes widened. Misato-san approached. The warm color extended all the way to Shinji. Within that color, other hues flickered in and out. A deep gray. *Ah*, he thought. That's guilt. The remorse she feels for making me fight, as the Operations Director. He understood. He didn't know why, but he understood. But there was a color even stronger than that. The orange and pink light. It was incredibly warm, and it seemed to gently seep deep into Shinji's chest. —This is affection. "...Shinji-kun... thank goodness... thank goodness..." Misato-san stood beside his bed, reached out, and gently stroked his hair. The warmth conveyed through her hand was just as real as the colors he could see. "I'm sorry... If I had just done things properly... I wouldn't have made you do something so reckless..." *No.* Shinji tried to shake his head. But he had no strength. It wasn't Misato-san's fault. "...Misato... san..." He forced his voice out. His throat was parched, and he couldn't speak well. "Shinji-kun, you don't have to talk. You still need to rest—" "...Thank you..." Misato-san's breath caught for a moment. Shinji looked into her eyes. The colors were wavering. The gray of guilt was thinning, and the warm color was growing larger. (*Ah, it got through.*) He thought that in his heart. He'd never been able to truly talk with someone like this before. "Shinji-kun... I'm the one who should be thanking you..." Misato-san's large brown eyes filled with tears. The colors of her emotions blurred and bled. It wasn't because of the tears; it was as if the emotions themselves were too large to hold their shape. Slowly, Shinji opened his mouth again. "...I... don't want to run away..." His voice came out surprisingly clear, even to himself. "I want to... live here... properly..." Misato-san pressed her hand to her mouth. Large teardrops spilled through the gaps between her fingers. "Yes... yes, of course, Shinji-kun..." The warm color spread throughout the room. Wrapped in that color, Shinji slowly closed his eyelids. (*This is the first time... I've understood someone's feelings...*) It was scary, but he was also a little bit happy. At that same moment. In Central Dogma, the lowest subterranean level of Nerv Headquarters, the air held a different color. Under the cold fluorescent lights, Ikari Gendou sat with his hands folded. A giant Tree of Sephiroth was depicted on the ceiling, and his desk alone floated dimly in the darkness. On the desk lay a single document. **'Quarantine Order Regarding Subject No. 1 (Ikari Shinji) — Suspected Angelic Pathogen Carrier'** Gendou, his expression unchanged, picked up his fountain pen. *Clack... clack...* Only the sound of Fuyutsuki's footsteps echoed in the room. "...Gendou, are you sure about this?" Gendou said nothing, and ran the pen across the signature line. Ikari Gendou. A heavy, cold trail of ink was left behind. Around him, there was no color at all. Only darkness spread.

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Episode 1

Name: Neon Genesis Evangelion IF: Zeruel's Question, and My Answer...
Author: Novelia

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