I'm Ebina Hikana. Just a fujoshi otaku girl who lives for her rotten delusions in the corner of the classroom.
But I have a secret I can't tell anyone. I've accidentally seen the whole messy, tangled relationship between Hachiman, Yukinoshita, and Yuigahama—the three people who should be the center of the class.
At first it was just observation. Hachiman's eyes full of resignation, Yukinoshita's back that looked so lonely, Yuigahama's smile that she forced to be bright. No one else noticed, bu
After School Black Hole: Ebina Was Watching - The Observer's Farewell — A Crybaby's Forgiveness, and an Unforgivable Love
The smell of disinfectant. Inorganic white walls. The cold light of fluorescent lamps fell at regular intervals along the corridor.
Third floor of Chiba City General Hospital, general ward.
I stood frozen in front of Yuigahama Yui's hospital room.
I stared at the door. A wood-grain, ordinary hospital room door. On the small nameplate affixed to it, a name of just four characters was written.
《Yuigahama》
I reached for the doorknob.
My fingertips trembled.
*(Let's stop.)*
Somewhere in my head, a voice spoke.
*(Let's go home. If I leave now, I can still pretend nothing happened.)*
My feet wouldn't move, as if glued to the spot. No, more precisely, I was afraid to move them. It had been like this every day for three days. After school, I'd get on the bus, come to the hospital, walk to the hospital room door, and then—unable to open it, I'd just go home.
Three times, I'd done the same thing.
For three days, I'd stood before this door and then run away.
This was the fourth time.
*(What good would it do for me to come here?)*
*(After all, I'm—the perpetrator.)*
I gripped the shoulder strap of my bag tightly. Inside was that observation notebook. By now, it was nothing more than an ugly piece of evidence.
The accident a year ago. Hachiman getting hit by a car while saving Yuigahama's beloved dog. The fact that the car's owner was Yukinoshita. How, ever since, the three of them had been tangled up in a mess without knowing each other's secrets.
I knew all of it.
From the corner of the classroom, feeling almost like a god.
And then, I'd interfered. I'd used Totsuka to shake Hachiman's emotions. I'd leaked Yuigahama's feelings to Miura. A perfect scenario. My perfect scenario, meant to make everyone happy.
The result was this hospital.
*(My leak made Miura go out of control.)*
*(Miura blamed Hachiman.)*
*(Yuigahama ran into the road to stop the two of them.)*
*(And then she was hit by a car.)*
The causal chain was painfully clear.
I tried to take a deep breath. But my breathing was shallow, and I couldn't inhale properly. My chest felt like it was being pressed down by a heavy stone.
I clasped my hands in front of my chest.
*(God, please.)*
*(Please, give me courage.)*
*(I can't run away.)*
I closed my eyes.
On the back of my eyelids, the scene from that day floated up. Miura's voice, berating Hachiman. Yuigahama's figure, in that single instant as she dashed out. The sound of sudden braking. The sound of shattering glass. Thick, dark red spreading across the asphalt.
*(That was my fault.)*
*(It's all my fault.)*
I slowly opened my eyes.
I looked at the white door.
*(I can't run.)*
*(I'm Ebina Hina.)*
*(A fake observer who kept playing the harmless fujoshi.)*
*(But that ends now.)*
With trembling fingers, I knocked on the door.
*Knock, knock.*
It was a small, pathetic sound. But it was, unmistakably, the sound of my will.
"Yes... come in."
The voice that came from inside was faint, as if it might dissolve into the air. It was completely different from the Yuigahama I knew. Not that usual, bright voice that rang through the classroom.
I placed my hand on the doorknob. The cold metal sensation spread through my palm.
*(Stop.)*
*(You can still turn back.)*
Another version of myself screamed inside my head.
But I turned the knob.
*Click.*
The door slowly opened.
The room was white.
The walls, the curtains, the sheets—everything was white. The afternoon light streaming through the window made that whiteness even more dazzling.
Yuigahama was on the bed.
I forgot how to breathe.
Her right leg was wrapped in a thick cast. Bandages were wound around it, over and over. White bandages were also wrapped around her head, and from beneath them, pale peach-colored hair spilled out. That hair, which always swayed so softly, now spread out against the bed as if stuck to it.
Her face was pale.
Her cheeks were slightly hollow, and her lips were dry. An IV needle was inserted in her arm, and a transparent tube connected to a bag of medicine.
Yuigahama was staring at the ceiling.
Vaguely, with eyes that reflected nothing, she simply stared at a single point on the white ceiling.
The moment I saw her profile, I felt the blood drain from my entire body.
*(This is my fault.)*
*(This state she's in—it's all my fault.)*
Something rose up from my throat. Something sour surged up from the area of my stomach.
"...Huh?"
Yuigahama slowly turned to look at me.
Her large eyes caught me.
They were the eyes of the Yuigahama I knew. Bright, gentle, and just a little bit silly. But now, deep within those eyes, I could see an immense, profound pain sinking.
"Hina-chan...? Is it really you, Hina-chan?"
Yuigahama's voice trembled slightly.
I couldn't say anything.
I should have had ten thousand, a million things to say. Words were overflowing in my head. But my throat was parched, and no voice came out.
"Wow, you came. Thank you. ...I'm a little surprised."
Yuigahama said that, and tried to smile just a little.
That smile was the kind that gouged directly into my chest like a blade.
With her right leg completely immobilized in the cast, she extended her right hand toward me.
Palm facing up.
"Hina-chan. ...I'd like you to hold my hand, or something."
It was a frail, thin voice.
I staggered toward the bed.
My legs felt as heavy as lead.
I sat down on the round stool beside the bed.
Yuigahama's hand was waiting for me on the bed.
Thin, pale fingers. But within those fingers, there were numerous injection marks, and it was painful to look at.
I wrapped both of my hands around hers, as if enveloping it, and held on.
It was warm.
Her hand was, just a little, unmistakably warm.
That warmth seeped slowly into a part of my frozen heart.
At the same time, tears overflowed.
The back of my eyes grew hot, and my vision blurred.
"U, ah..."
No voice came out.
The tears wouldn't stop.
One drop, then another, tears fell onto Yuigahama's hand.
"I... I, I-I..."
The words wouldn't form.
Emotions clogged the back of my throat, and I couldn't breathe properly.
"Hina-chan...? A-are you okay? If you cry that much, it'll get hard to breathe."
Yuigahama peered into my face with concern.
I didn't let go of her hand.
No, I couldn't let go.
If I let go of this hand now, I felt like I'd never be able to stand up again.
As if sinking into mud, I slid off the stool and collapsed, my knees hitting the floor.
Still holding Yuigahama's hand, I ended up in a posture of prostrating myself on the floor.
"Yui, Yui-chan... I'm so, sorry..."
The voice that finally came out was soaked and ruined by tears.
"I'm sor, sorry... it's, my, f-fault..."
Yuigahama's hand squeezed mine back, tightly.
"...Mm. It's okay. I can't understand if you're just crying. I'll listen, so talk."
Her voice was trembling.
She was scared. Anxious, inwardly dreading what she was about to hear.
But she didn't run away.
She didn't let go of my hand.
That hurt.
"I... I was watching. For a year now, the whole time, the whole time... I was watching the three of you."
I began to speak, sobbing, as if pressing my head against the floor.
"The day before the entrance ceremony... Hikki saved Yui-chan's dog and got hit by a car. I happened to be there. On my way home from shopping... I heard the brakes, turned around, and saw everything."
Yuigahama's fingers twitched slightly within my hands.
"That car was black and big... I could see a girl sitting in the back seat. It was Yukinoshita. Yukinoshita Yukino. I'd known that for a year. But I never told anyone. I couldn't. Because I was just a classmate, and I thought I had no right to get involved with the three of you."
My voice trembled.
Even so, it wouldn't stop.
Once the levee broke, all the water had already flowed out.
"But as I watched, I figured it out. Hikki doesn't know that the owner of the dog he saved is Yui-chan. Yui-chan wants to thank him but can't, and she's fallen in love with him. Yukinoshita is full of guilt as the owner of the car from the accident... All three of them are tangled up in a mess without knowing the important things about each other."
"This is wrong."
"I thought I had to do something. That I was the only one who knew the truth and could make the three of them happy. I thought of myself like a god."
Saying it myself made me nauseous.
How arrogant, how stupid, how foolish I had been.
"So I... made Totsuka-kun—the one Hikki opens his heart to—play tennis with Yukinoshita. I thought Hikki would show something like jealousy and realize his feelings for Yukinoshita."
Yuigahama's hand tightened.
"Then, I told Miura-san... Yumiko-chan, that Yui-chan likes Hikki. So that Yuigahama's true feelings would surface through external pressure. ...It's the worst, right? Someone who sneaks around in the shadows spreading friends' secrets—what right did I have to say I'd 'make everyone happy'?"
"So then..."
It was a small, hoarse voice.
"Yumiko went after Hikigaya-kun... is that it?"
"Yeah. Miura-san blamed Hikki, trying to protect Yui-chan. And then you ran out... and got hit..."
I curled up into a small ball on the floor.
I felt my body shrinking, smaller and smaller.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. If I hadn't done something so unnecessary, Yui-chan wouldn't... this wouldn't have... It's my fault. It's all my fault."
My voice felt like it was about to burst.
My vision was completely blurred with tears.
Staring at the stains of my own tears falling on the floor, I wished I could die.
I wanted to disappear, right here, right now.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Like a broken machine, I repeated the same words.
Then.
Yuigahama's hand squeezed mine back, hard.
Hard.
"Hina-chan."
Her voice was trembling.
"You've been carrying this all alone, all this time."
Those words pierced my heart more sharply than anything I had expected.
She'd get angry.
She'd hate me.
She'd despise me.
That's what I thought would happen. That's what I thought was only natural.
But she—
"You knew the whole time, watching the three of us... and you tried to do something about it. ...No, that's not it. You wanted to do something for us, right?"
Yuigahama's voice was wet with tears.
"Hina-chan really cares about us, and that's why you were watching over us. ...Isn't that right?"
I lifted my face.
Yuigahama was crying.
Large tears ran down her pale cheeks, flowing toward her ears.
Even so, she was desperately trying to smile.
Her lips trembling, narrowing her tear-soaked eyes into crescent moons.
"Hina-chan, it's not your fault."
My heart stopped.
"I just ran out on my own, didn't I?"
She said it with a tearful smile.
"Yumiko was angry at Hikigaya-kun, and Hikigaya-kun was trying to make himself the villain... I thought I had to stop them. That's all. Even if Hina-chan leaked it, me running out was my own choice. It was something I decided myself. ...So it's not your fault."
She spoke to me slowly, word by word, as if chewing on each one.
Those words were gentle.
Far too gentle.
And precisely because of that, they tormented me even more deeply.
*(No.)*
*(That's not true.)*
*(I'm not the kind of person who deserves to be forgiven like that.)*
A black vortex swirled in my heart.
"That's not true...! I knew! When I told Miura-san, I had a weird feeling! I knew she was the type to go rampaging on pure emotion! And yet, I enjoyed it... I had fun watching how my scenario would play out...!"
"Hina-chan..."
"I don't have the right to be forgiven by you, Yui-chan! Because I ruined everything in the most hurtful way possible! Hikki is cursing himself, Yukinoshita is trying to quit the Service Club, and Miura-san is spreading hatred all over the school! This, this whole mess—I made it all! There's no way I deserve to be forgiven! I should go to hell!!"
My own words wounded my own heart.
Soaking Yuigahama's hand with my tears, I wailed like a child.
"Someone like me should never have tried to be happ
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