The Auto-Memories Doll and the Curse of Gender-Bending Chaos! - First Scar—Is It Love?

The color of the sunset streaming through the window suddenly turned cold. Just moments ago it had been orange, but now it was gray. The air was heavy. It felt like I couldn't breathe. Rain. Outside, a shhhhhhh sound began to rise. I could see the back of the woman who looked exactly like the Major, descending the stairs. I was standing there. I couldn't move. The tips of my blonde hair were trembling. Even though they were mechanical prosthetics. Why were they trembling? I didn't understand. "...Major." I spoke, but I don't know if it reached her. The woman didn't turn around. One step down the stairs, then another. Descending. Only the hem of her skirt swayed. As if she had never been there from the start. "...Please, don't go." My voice cracked. I've never made a sound like that before. It wasn't an order. It wasn't a mission. It was just... words that came out of my mouth. But. The front door opened. SHHHHHHHHHHH. The sound of the rain suddenly grew louder. "If that's what you want, then it's fine." Her voice came from beyond the rain. It should have been the same voice as the Major's. And yet, despite how gentle it sounded... Something deep in my chest tightened, painfully. "Major..." I stepped forward. I tried to chase after her. But a heavy hand landed on my shoulder. "Violet." It was Hodgins. The hand resting on his cane gripped my shoulder. His gray eyes looked terribly sad. "Anything more than this won't do you any good. She... probably understands that too." I shook my head. "No. I don't want to lose the Major." "Violet...?" Hodgins's eyes widened. Because tears were falling from my eyes. But I didn't have the luxury of caring about that. "I... will disobey the order. I'm going after the Major." "I understand how you feel. But, Violet. Do you realize what kind of face you're making right now? Even if you chase after her, what do you intend to say? What will you tell her?" Hodgins's voice was very calm. But that, somehow, made it worse. The words caught in my throat. "I... don't know." My prosthetic arms were rattling. (*I have to stop it.*) (*Because it's an order.*) (*I have to control my emotions.*) I was a soldier. A doll. I didn't need emotions. I only had to follow orders. And yet. My body wouldn't listen. "You said 'I don't want to,' didn't you." "...Yes." "That must have been your very first 'order to yourself.'" I looked up. Hodgins's face looked blurred. "And because of that, she was hurt. But, Violet. You were able to say 'I don't want to.' It's because you weren't a 'doll.' That's why you ended up hurting her." I collapsed on the spot. My knees hit the floor. A metallic sound rang out. Only the sound of the rain filled the room. "What... did I do to the Major?" "You're regretting it, aren't you." Hodgins placed his hand on my head. It was a warm hand. "Regret... Is this what regret is?" "Yes. Right now, for the first time in your life, you're feeling that it's your own fault—that you chose something yourself, and hurt someone because of it." "I... don't understand anything. Not the Major's feelings. Not my own feelings." The tears wouldn't stop. Even though I don't understand emotions. Even though I don't understand love. Tears still fall. "Violet!" I heard Benedict's voice. When I turned, Benedict and Cattleya were standing at the end of the hallway. Both of them were deathly pale. "Hey... what the hell is going on? Just a minute ago, that person was about to kiss you... Why, why are you crying?" Benedict came running, nearly tripping on the hem of their skirt. "Violet... are you alright?" Cattleya tried to support my shoulder with their large hand, too. But I couldn't stand up. "I am a doll. I don't understand the human heart." "What are you talking about?! You're alive, aren't you?! You're crying, damn it!" "But that's all it is. I don't know what to do. I have no orders." "Who needs orders?! Just decide for yourself!" Benedict grabbed my hand. It was a small hand. "Whether you call that Major woman back, or never see her again. You just have to decide that. I... things got weird, but still, Violet, you're you, right?" "I..." "Violet. For now, get some rest." Cattleya's deep voice resonated with incredible gentleness. "If you chase after her now, you'll probably just end up hurting each other again. I think she understood that too, which is why she left. Cool your head a little. And then, after that, let's think about it. What it is you truly want to do." Cattleya helped me to my feet. "The Major... where did she go?" "I don't know. But you'll definitely see her again. Because she must be worried sick about you, too." I looked out the window. A gray sky. The cold rain was soaking the town. The cobblestones, the red roofs, the canals. All of it had lost its color. "I'll return to my room for now." "Hey, are you okay...?" "I don't know. But if I stay here, I'll be a burden to everyone." I went down the stairs. I left through the front door. Without an umbrella, into the rain. Shhhhhhh. It's cold. Water seeps into the joints of my prosthetic arms. The machinery might break. But I can just fix it. I just walked. There was no one on the streets. Because of the rain, everyone was inside. (*Where is the Major right now?*) (*Is she getting wet in this rain, too?*) Even if I think about it, I don't know. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Fifteen minutes later. I had returned to my dormitory. I opened the door. No one was there. Of course. I went up to my room on the second floor. When I opened the door, the top of my desk came into view. There was a black box. Flügel Kasten. The cursed box. Because I opened it. Everyone suffered. The Major... was hurt, and left. I walked over to the desk. Next to the box lay the back panel. Carved into it in ancient letters were the conditions for breaking the curse. *'A kiss between those who love each other from the heart.'* I traced the letters with my finger. My metal fingertip trembled faintly. (*Those who love each other.*) (*Do I love the Major?*) (*I don't know.*) (*That's why I refused the kiss.*) I slammed the lid of the box against the wall. BANG. "I... am a doll." BANG. "I don't understand the human heart." BANG. "I can carry out the Major's orders. But 'I want you to love me' isn't an order." I pressed my forehead against the wall. The cold wall. (*The Major said, 'Live. And be free.'*) (*I was supposed to have become free.*) (*But I didn't know how to use that freedom.*) (*Is freedom something this painful, this agonizing?*) I struck my head against the wall. It hurt a little. But it was far better than the pain in my chest. How long did I stay like that? When I came to, the room was pitch black. The rain was still falling. I was sitting on the floor. Still in my wet clothes. The tears had stopped. Instead, the back of my nose stung. I hugged my knees. (*Do I love the Major?*) (*Or am I just afraid of losing the person who gives me orders?*) (*If I do love her...*) (*Why did I refuse the kiss?*) (*If I don't love her...*) (*Why am I crying so much?*) The same thoughts circled around and around. No answer came. That night, I couldn't sleep at all. Even when morning came, the curtains in my room stayed closed. I couldn't move. I have to go to the postal company. I have work. But my body won't move. It was like that immense, helpless emptiness I felt the first time an order was ignored. But it was different. (*It's not that I have no orders.*) (*I've lost sight of my reason to move.*) BANG BANG. The door was pounded on. "Violet! You in there?! It's me! Benedict!" Benedict's voice. "I'm here too. It's Cattleya. Are you alright? Can you show us your face?" The two of them had come for me. I looked at the door. But I couldn't stand up. "Violet! Answer me! We're worried about you!" "...I'm sorry." I finally managed to speak. "I can't see either of you right now. I apologize." "Huh, why not?! Open up!" "Not yet... I don't even understand it myself." "Violet. I won't say you have to. But there might be something we can do for you. If you feel like you can talk, come to us anytime." Cattleya's voice was kind. "Cattleya! This isn't right, leaving her like this!" "Let's leave her be for now. For the first time in her life, she's facing herself." "...Fine." The footsteps faded away. I was alone again. But somehow, the air in the room felt just a little lighter than before. Around the same time. C.H. Postal Company. The third-floor president's office. Hodgins was alone, a cigar in his mouth. The smoke rose slowly toward the ceiling. On his desk was an old military photo of Major Gilbert. "Major... Is that woman really you?" They were comrades-in-arms. How much had he searched when the Major went missing? "Why didn't you give your name? Why did you still approach Violet? And why... did you leave?" Hodgins looked out the window. The rain was still falling. "Is it because you, too, carry unhealing wounds from the war...?" He let out a deep breath. The smoke wavered. "I can't do anything. All I can do is watch over them." The first-floor office. Benedict and Cattleya were looking at the box's back panel, spread out on the desk. "Dammit, while we're sitting here, she's suffering all alone!" "Yes. That's exactly why we should do what we can." Cattleya traced the ancient letters with their finger. "This second method of breaking the curse. 'Seek out a blood descendant of the one who cast the curse, and make a wish.' With this, perhaps..." "But where the hell would a descendant like that be? It was made two hundred years ago, right?" "The library. The Leiden Municipal Library has documents in Old Telsis script. First, let's investigate where this box was made." "Right! That's it!" Benedict clenched their fist. "Let's do this, Cattleya! Like hell we're gonna let Violet be sad any longer!" "Yes. Let's do what we can for that girl. That's our role as her seniors, after all." The rain had weakened a little. The sky outside the window was just a tiny bit brighter. Still gray, though. Through a break in the clouds, a single ray of light was shining through.

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Episode 5

Name: The Auto-Memories Doll and the Curse of Gender-Bending Chaos!
Author: Novelia

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