In 2015, Tokyo-3. Fourteen-year-old Shinji Ikari is summoned by his father Gendo and ordered to pilot the giant mecha Evangelion Unit-01. But the moment he enters the cockpit, a rainbow-colored light bursts from the unit and envelops him. When the light fades, Shinji's body has become that of a girl.
"Wha... what is this... I'm... me...?"
Shinji's pronoun shifts from 'boku' to 'watashi,' and both voice and physique are completely transformed into those of a young girl. Before the panicking Shi
Evangelion: Gender Pandemonium - The Truth Exposed — Disappear, I Wish You Had Never Existed
NERV Headquarters at night was silent, as if the daytime clamor had never existed.
White fluorescent lights cast a pale blue glow over the sterile corridors. Ikari Shinji walked alone beneath them. Their black, slightly wavy semi-long hair swayed faintly against their shoulders with each step. The earring on their left ear caught the cold light, flickering now and then.
(I can't sleep.)
They hadn't slept properly in days. When they closed their eyes, the sensation of their body changing on its own came rushing back. The feeling of their Adam's apple receding. The sensation of their pelvis shifting. Something being rearranged beneath their skin—a pressure from the inside. The male self and the female self. Both were them, yet neither felt like their own—a wavering, unstable sensation.
And then there were those words from the archive: "Gender Replacement Project." They couldn't get them out of their head. Their father's signature. Black ink, stamped like a seal. That proposal.
(I'm the test subject.)
Just thinking it made the pit of their stomach go cold. Something cold solidified deep in their solar plexus, growing little by little with every breath.
They turned a corner. No one around. Only the low hum of the ventilation, constant and unending. Deep in their ears, only their own footsteps, swallowed by the hard floor.
That was when it happened.
"…The plasticity of the mind is exceeding projected rates."
A low voice. A familiar voice.
Shinji stopped. Their toes might as well have been nailed to the floor.
Beyond the wall. The voice leaked through the gap of a half-open door. A thin band of light fell diagonally across the corridor.
"Yes. The data from Subject Ikari Shinji far exceeds initial projections."
Ritsuko's voice.
Subject. Ikari Shinji.
Shinji froze on the spot. It felt like cold fingers were tracing the inside of their spine.
"Proceed to the next phase."
"But Commander, at this rate there's a risk Shinji-kun's ego will collapse—"
"I don't care. As long as the sync ratio with the Eva goes up, that's enough."
Gendou's voice was cold as ice. The moment it touched their eardrums, their body temperature dropped.
Shinji pressed a hand against the wall. Their fingertips trembled. Their nails scraped against the peeling paint.
(Subject.)
(Risk of ego collapse.)
(I don't care.)
Inside their head, their father's voice repeated. Over and over. Over and over. Like a curse.
"Furthermore, the matter with Yui is also calculated as part of the plan. Shinji-kun's psychological fragility was, in fact, convenient."
Ritsuko's words.
Yui. Their mother's name.
(Mom's death was… part of the plan too.)
Shinji's vision lurched. Every line in the corridor tilted sideways.
Something surged up from the bottom of their stomach. The back of their throat burned. Something sour spread through their mouth. Saliva flooded in all at once.
"Ugh—"
Shinji covered their mouth, still braced against the wall, and crumpled to the floor. Their knees hit the ground with a thud.
They vomited.
Gastric fluid splattered across the cold floor. The transparent liquid reflected the fluorescent light, forming a small puddle. Tears blurred their vision. The world bled and smeared, everything turning into a mess.
(Even my grief… was all calculated.)
(To my father, I was from the very start—)
(A tool.)
Their breathing grew ragged. Their chest tightened. Inside their ribs, their heart thrashed. The tears wouldn't stop. Snot dripped into their mouth, salty.
Shinji wept silently beside their own vomit. They choked down sobs in the back of their throat. They clenched their teeth, kept their vocal cords from shaking, and still the breath that escaped echoed through the dark corridor.
——
The next morning.
Shinji stood frozen before the door to the Commander's office. The soles of their feet stuck to the floor and wouldn't come loose.
Because of last night's vomiting, their body felt heavy, dark circles pooled under their eyes. Their eyelids were hot and swollen. The fingertips straightening the collar of their sailor uniform still trembled faintly.
(I have to ask.)
(Directly to my father.)
(With my own mouth.)
The door opened.
Inside the Commander's office were Gendou and Fuyutsuki. Gendou didn't even bother to look up from the documents in his hands. Behind the black sunglasses, his expression was unreadable. Fuyutsuki noticed Shinji and his brow moved slightly.
"Father."
Shinji's voice was hoarse. The back of their throat felt raw.
"That plan… did you make me a test subject?"
Gendou didn't stop turning the pages. Only the rustle of paper echoed through the quiet room.
"Does Mom's death… have something to do with it too?"
Their voice shook. Their lips wouldn't move properly.
Gendou finally raised his head.
"The Eva moved. That's enough."
Just one sentence.
Shinji felt the strength drain from their body. As if the floor were vanishing from beneath their feet.
"I'm not your tool!"
Shinji screamed. Tears ran down their cheeks. Hot streaks slid down their face.
"I'm… I'm your son… and your daughter… and yet!"
Gendou lowered his eyes to the documents again. The turning of pages resumed.
"Then why are you here?"
Shinji's breathing stopped. They completely lost the timing to inhale.
(Why am I here.)
They couldn't answer.
They wanted to run away. But there was nowhere to run. They wanted their father to acknowledge them. That alone had chained them here. Like a chain wrapped around their throat, impossible to tear off.
"You are not my son. You are the Eva's pilot. That is all."
Gendou's voice was businesslike, devoid of emotion. Flat, like reading a weather report.
"Commander, that's enough—"
Fuyutsuki interjected.
"Fuyutsuki, this is not for you to speak on."
Gendou cut him off sharply. Fuyutsuki closed his mouth. His throat moved once, as if swallowing something down.
Shinji stood rooted to the spot, unable to move. Their toes had gone numb, stripped of sensation.
(Not my son.)
(The pilot.)
(That is all.)
The tears wouldn't stop. They spilled from the corners of their eyes one after another, traced their jaw, and fell onto the chest of their uniform. The stains multiplied, one after another.
——
First Municipal Junior High School.
Lunch break.
The classroom was wrapped in its usual buzz. The smell of bento, laughter, the sound of desks being moved. Someone was talking about last night's TV. Someone was throwing erasers.
Shinji sat at their desk, unable even to open their lunchbox, staring down at their lap. Their fingers laced and unlaced on their knees.
(I can't eat.)
Their stomach still hurt. Nothing since morning. Only water. Even that felt like it was still sitting in their stomach.
That was when it happened.
Bang!
A loud noise, and Asuka shot to her feet. Her chair tipped backward and hit the floor.
Her orange-red twin-tails swayed violently.
(Asuka-san?)
When Shinji looked up, Asuka's appearance slammed into their vision.
Her hair.
More than half of that beautiful red-brown hair had turned pure white. From root to tip, white as if frostbitten. The remaining red-brown looked grotesquely vivid against it.
Her voice, too, had deepened. Not the high, ear-piercing voice from before. Thicker. Heavier.
"This is all your fault!"
Asuka pointed at Shinji. Her index finger aimed straight at the space between their brows.
The entire classroom went silent. Hands stopped mid-bite. Chopsticks froze in the air.
"Ever since you got in the Eva, everyone's gone wrong! My body, my voice… it's all because of you!"
Asuka's blue eyes burned with rage. But behind them, something else seemed to waver. Fear. Or perhaps despair. A color that looked all too familiar.
"Disappear! Everything would've been better if you'd never existed!"
Asuka's scream rang through the classroom. It bounced off the walls and struck Shinji's eardrums directly.
Shinji couldn't say anything. Their throat was completely blocked. Their vocal cords had seized.
"Asuka…-san. That's not—I'm—"
"Shut up! Don't come near me!"
Asuka shouted, then bolted from the classroom. She wove between the desks, heading straight for the door.
The door slammed shut with a loud noise. The window glass trembled slightly.
The classroom was silent as if doused with water. No one moved. No one said anything. They just stared at Shinji. The gazes pierced their skin.
Shinji, under the weight of everyone's eyes, hung their head. They clenched their fists on their knees. Their nails dug into their palms.
(Disappear.)
(Better if you'd never existed.)
Asuka's words stabbed into their heart. They tried to pull them out, but couldn't. Like thorns, catching from the inside.
"Ikari-san, are you all right?"
The homeroom teacher, a woman, called out with concern. She crouched beside Shinji's desk and peered at their face.
Shinji couldn't answer. They pressed their lips into a tight line.
(I'm not all right.)
(There's no way I'm all right.)
They fought desperately to hold back the tears. Behind their eyelids, something hot swelled, and they tilted their face upward so it wouldn't spill over.
——
After school.
Shinji descended into the depths of NERV Headquarters. The elevator numbers ticked down one by one.
Being at school was unbearable. Going back to Misato's apartment was frightening too. If they went back, Misato would be waiting with a worried face. They couldn't stand to see that face.
(There's nowhere I belong.)
Thinking that, before they knew it, they were walking down an empty corridor. Their feet had moved on their own.
Deep underground.
The abandoned old experimental sector.
No one came here anymore. A place erased even from the maps.
Several fluorescent lights were dead, leaving the passage dim. Old pipes were exposed along the walls, rusted in places. The air was cold and dusty. The smell of iron mixed with the smell of mold. Broken tiles littered the floor.
Shinji leaned against the wall and slid down. Their back rested against the cold surface. Their knees buckled.
"I can't trust anyone."
Their voice was swallowed by the dark passage. It echoed, then faded into the distance.
"Father, Asuka-san… everyone either sees me as a tool or the source of a curse."
The tears wouldn't stop. They traced their cheeks, circled their neck, soaked the collar of their sailor uniform.
"What… what am I supposed to be?"
Their voice shook. It was their own voice, yet it didn't sound like theirs.
"I don't even know if I'm a boy or a girl… and yet everyone treats me like…"
Shinji hugged their knees and cried. They wrapped both arms tight around their legs. It felt like a little bit of warmth returned to them.
They cried silently. They clenched their teeth, crushed the sobs in the back of their throat, and still the tears that escaped stained their skirt. One spot, then another, multiplying.
(Someone.)
(Someone, please—)
(Need me.)
They kept screaming inside their heart. With a voiceless voice. Toward a place their words could never reach.
——
How long had they been like that?
Suddenly, they sensed a presence. The movement of the air shifted, just slightly.
They raised their head.
From the far end of the dim passage, a figure approached. Slowly, at a steady pace.
A boy.
Short, bobbed hair in a pale, watery silver. Crimson eyes with a hint of red. The fluorescent light caught those eyes, making them seem lit from within.
It was Ayanami Rei.
"Ikari-san."
Rei's voice was as flat as always. But there was a definite warmth in it. Like a single small flame lit in the cold passage.
"Rei…-san."
Shinji turned their tear-streaked face toward Rei. Their vision was still blurred.
Rei sat down quietly beside Shinji. Without seeming to care about the dust on the floor. Their uniform skirt spread in the dim light.
Silence.
"Ikari-san. I believe in you."
Rei's words.
"Rei-san… why, for someone like me—"
Shinji's voice trembled. The tears overflowed again.
"You are precious to me."
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