Thursday afternoon. The grounds of Yanagibayashi Shrine lay in utter silence. The hand holding the bamboo broom stopped, almost on its own. I had no strength left. Three days. Three full days had passed since Okabe-san last set foot in this shrine. (Why won't he come?) I looked up at the great ginkgo tree. Two hundred years old, the giant simply gazed down at me, saying nothing. Its deep summer-green leaves rustled and swayed in the wind. What filled my chest was anxiety. I couldn't shake the scene I had witnessed at the lab, three nights ago. Okabe-san, wracked with a raging fever. The words that spilled from his lips, over and over — "Don't let Mayuri die." That wasn't just delirious rambling. It was something deeper, something darker — a genuine scream. (What is Okabe-san doing right now?) Just thinking about it made my fingertips go cold. Still in my shrine maiden attire, I rushed into the worship hall. Before the altar, two bows, two claps. The sound of the bell echoed through the empty main sanctuary. (Please, let Okabe-san be safe.) But praying alone changes nothing. The image of myself from last night flickered through my mind again. That helpless version of me, who could do nothing but change the towel on Okabe-san's forehead. (I have to go.) I leaned the broom against the wall. I didn't hesitate anymore. If I don't go, I'll regret it. Absolutely. I knew it, deep in my gut. ——— I cut through Akihabara's main street and turned into the back alley leading to Suimei Manor. The outer walls were grimy, still cracked. In the first-floor CRT workshop's display window sat a pile of old televisions, ignored today just like every other day. Creak. Creak. I climbed the narrow stairs. Damp air. A dim, feeble lightbulb. On the second floor, in front of that door, I stopped. "Future Gadget Lab" — the paper, scrawled in marker, was still taped up at an angle, same as always. (It's okay. It has to be okay.) I told myself that, and clenched my fist. That's when it happened. "—Ngh, aaaaaaaaaaaah...!" From beyond the door, a voice like an animal's howl leaked out. My back froze in an instant. It was a human voice, but it didn't sound human. Pain, despair, and the sound of something completely broken — a sob like that. (Okabe... san...?) With a trembling hand, I gently touched the door. It wasn't locked. The door was slightly ajar. Through the gap, I could see inside the room. And I couldn't believe my eyes. Okabe-san was on his knees on the floor. None of his usual confident poses, none of that intense gleam in his eyes. He was clutching his own hair with both hands, clawing at it as if trying to tear it out. His shoulders trembled in tiny spasms. "Mayuri... died... again...!" His voice was terribly hoarse. "No matter how many times I redo it... no matter how many times I time leap... I can't save her...!" Okabe-san pressed his head against the floor, collapsing into sobs. I had never seen him like this. The man who was always strong in front of me, no matter what, was now trembling like a small child. (I hate this.) Deep in my chest, something clenched tight. (I hate this. I can't stand it.) I shoved the door open with all my might. BANG. The loud sound echoed through the room. But Okabe-san didn't notice. I was already running. My body moved before I could think. From behind, I threw myself onto Okabe-san's trembling back, wrapping my arms around him. I held on tight. "[crying] Okabe-san... please, stop...!" My own voice was a mess, thick with tears. "I'm begging you... please... don't do this...!" The body in my arms was far hotter than I'd imagined, and terribly thin. But — "—Let go!" The next moment, he wrenched my arms away with violent force. The momentum threw me completely off balance. "Ah—" Thud. I fell, catching myself on my hands against the floor. A dull pain shot through my elbow. "[angry] I have to save Mayuri! If I don't do it, who will?! No one else can!" Okabe-san's eyes were bloodshot. But those eyes weren't looking at me. They were fixed on something far away. Something distant. That was all it was. And yet, that fact hurt more than anything. (Right now, Okabe-san doesn't see me.) Still on my hands and knees, I couldn't move. Words like "frustrating" or "sad" weren't enough. It just felt like a huge, gaping hole had opened up right in the center of my chest. "—Ruka." A quiet voice came from the corner of the room. Startled, I looked up. Leaning against the wall with her arms crossed was Makise Kurisu-san. Her reddish-brown hair was slightly disheveled. Deep, dark circles hung beneath her eyes. Because of them, her naturally intelligent violet eyes seemed sunken now, utterly exhausted. Kurisu-san approached quietly, took my arm, and helped me to my feet. "[serious] ...I'll explain." Her voice was as calm as ever. But the edge of it trembled, just faintly. She was at her limit, too. "Okabe discovered a device that sends mail to the past. He calls them D-Mails." D-Mail. The words I'd seen written on that scrap of notebook paper. "When a D-Mail is sent, the world line — a branch of the causal structure — changes. And in the current world line, Shiina Mayuri's death is a fixed event." Mayuri-san... is going to die. It felt like I'd been hit in the head with a hammer. "To prevent it, Okabe has been repeating time leaps, sending only his memories into the past. Over and over, witnessing the moment Mayuri dies, again and again." Kurisu-san's voice rose slightly, just a little. "He's barely slept for three days and nights. His mind has gone past its limit." I asked back, my voice shaking. "[scared] ...Mayuri-san... is going to die...? Is that... really true...?" Kurisu said nothing. She just nodded. My head reeled, everything spinning. World lines change. Someone's death is predetermined. While I knew nothing, Okabe-san had been fighting — alone — against something this huge, this heavy, this terrifying. And — (Okabe-san's heart... was entirely focused on Mayuri-san.) It wasn't about being happy or sad. That fact just dropped into my chest with a quiet thud. I looked into Okabe-san's eyes. Still on his knees on the floor, he trembled faintly. His eyes stared straight into empty space. I still wasn't reflected in them. (Ah. I see.) (So that's how it was.) This love I'd held for so long, never even able to confess it — for the first time, it was wounded in its truest form. A sweet, and cruel, pain. "[sad] ...Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up!! If I'm going to give up, I'd rather die!!" Suddenly, Okabe-san shouted at the top of his lungs. "[cold] Okabe. At this rate, your mind will break and be finished before you ever save Mayuri. That would be completely meaningless." "[angry] Shut up! You don't understand, Christina! I... I...!!" CLATTER. A loud noise — an empty Dr Pepper can on the desk fell to the floor. Blue veins stood out on Okabe-san's temple. I tried to approach him again. But my legs wouldn't move. (It's no use. I can't reach him.) My whole body understood it. I'm not the one who can stop Okabe-san. These feelings of mine will never, ever reach the deepest core of his suffering. I looked at my own hands. Hands that had reached out to grasp something, and caught only air. I couldn't say anything anymore. Inside the room, only Okabe-san's ragged breathing echoed, heavy and long. ——— Late night. It was soon after that when Okabe-san, finally utterly exhausted, collapsed on the spot as if crumbling. Kurisu-san quietly laid a blanket over him. "...He's asleep. He won't wake up for a while." In her voice, the taut tension had melted away, just a little. Before I knew it, I was standing in the hallway outside the room. The old wooden corridor had only one lightbulb, flickering unreliably. The paint on the walls was peeling everywhere, and cold air crept up from the floorboards. I leaned my back against the wall and slid down until I was sitting. (I couldn't do anything.) I never knew that such a simple fact could be this unbearably heavy. Tears spilled over. Stifling my voice, I hugged my knees. But the tears wouldn't stop. (Even so, I want to stay by his side.) It was a contradiction. I knew I could never be Okabe-san's number one. And yet, I don't want to leave him. What on earth is this feeling? Quiet footsteps approached, and I felt someone sit down beside me. It was Kurisu-san. For a while, neither of us said anything. In the darkness of the old hallway, only our two breaths mingled together. "[gentle] ...I'm glad you came." Kurisu-san said it quietly. "By myself, tonight... I was at my limit." Those words made me happy. But just as much, they hurt. "[sad] ...I... couldn't do... anything." Still hugging my knees, I murmured in a small voice. "I couldn't stop Okabe-san. And on top of that... I just got in the way." "[gentle] That's not true." Kurisu-san's voice was very gentle. "We need someone who can stop Okabe. Even when I explain the theory, he won't listen. The people who can truly move his heart... are few." People who can move his heart. "There are things only you can do." I lifted my face and looked at her. Her violet eyes gazed straight at me. But — (What... are the things only I can do?) The question caught in my throat and wouldn't come out. Because I didn't know. What could I possibly do? How could I even begin to touch the pain in Okabe-san's heart? I didn't know any of it. "...I'll be here." So that was all I said. "By Okabe-san's side... always... I'll be here." Kurisu-san's eyes widened slightly, and then she smiled, soft and quiet. That smile was, as always, so very beautiful. I buried my face again, hugging my knees. In the dark hallway, our shared silence drifted slowly, as if time itself had been forgotten. Inside my chest, despair and contradiction quietly tore at each other, still. The despair of knowing I could never be Okabe's number one. And yet, the contradiction of not wanting to leave his side, even so. The hallway lightbulb flickered, just a little.