Yesterday, Okabe-san came to the shrine. That fact remained in my chest, small and warm. But alongside it, there was something else I kept tucked away there too. The scrap of notebook paper I'd slipped into the sleeve of my miko robes. "D-Mail Experiment Log," "Transmission Successful," "Past Alteration" — those hastily scrawled words wouldn't leave the corner of my mind. (Just what is Okabe-san doing?) Tuesday afternoon. I was standing in a place I'd never been before in my life. A short way down a narrow alley off Akihabara's main street stood an old building: Suimei Manor. Its outer walls were grimy, cracks running through them here and there. On the ground floor, a sign read "CRT Workshop," and the display window was stacked with several dusty old televisions. There was no elevator. I climbed the cramped, dimly lit staircase one step at a time, my heart pounding harder with each one. Creak. Creak. Every time the stairs groaned, my tension ratcheted higher. (Is this really okay? Won't someone like me just be a bother, showing up like this?) In front of the second-floor door, I took a deep breath. A piece of paper with "Future Gadget Lab" scrawled on it in marker — as if someone had written it without much thought — was taped to the door. Excuse me, I murmured silently in my heart, then knocked with trembling fingers. Tap, tap. "[excited] Well come, my warrior!" The door flew open with a bang. Okabe-san, tall and lanky, stood there with his white lab coat flaring out, striking that distinctive pose of his — one hand held before his face in his signature stance. His strong-willed brown eyes glinted mischievously, yet happily. "[scared] Ah — e-excuse me for intruding..." I ducked my head in a quick bow. The room was far messier than I'd imagined. Shelves lined an entire wall, crammed full of electronic components whose names I didn't even know. In the center, three pipe desks had been arranged haphazardly, and on top of them, circuit boards and cables lay in heaps. The air was thick with dust and a faintly scorched, mechanical smell. And then, the broad back that had been facing one of the desks slowly turned toward us. A young man with a round build, wearing glasses. Daru-san — Hashida Itaru-san. "[surprised] Uweh!? Rukako-chan!? You actually came!?" Daru-san's eyes went wide; he nearly toppled off his chair. "[serious] Allow me to introduce her. Urushibara Ruka. My Lab Member No.006. And this is Hashida Itaru. A super hacker, and Lab Member No.003. Commonly known as Daru." Okabe-san said it with a smug look on his face. "[excited] Can I call you Rukako-chan!? Man, I've always heard about you from Okarin, but you really are cute! It's like you stepped right out of the 2D world!" Daru-san looked at me with sparkling eyes as he said that. Cute. Being told that always stung, just a little. It made me happy, but it was wrong. Not with this body I have. "[gentle] Um... Rukako... chan...?" My face grew hot. I looked down, and my long black hair slipped softly off my shoulder. "[angry] Daru! You've got some nerve trying to seduce my precious asset! Is this a conspiracy by the Organization!?" "[sarcastic] N-no wayyy. I was just giving her a little compliment, wasn't I?" Their back-and-forth was so funny that I couldn't help but let out a small, soft laugh. (This is the Future Gadget Lab. My place.) Deep in my chest, a gentle warmth spread. After a while, Okabe-san clapped his hands with a "Right!" "[excited] Now, Ruka! The time has come for me to show you the true power of my invention! This way!" Okabe-san strode purposefully toward the back of the room. There, a large microwave oven and a cellphone sat connected by a tangled mess of cables — a bizarre contraption. The Phone Microwave (tentative name). "[excited] Behold! This is the Future Gadget Lab's proud Invention No.8, the Phone Microwave (tentative name)! This device, you see, is capable of sending mail to the past!" Okabe-san declared it grandly. To the past. Mail. The words written on that scrap of notebook paper flashed back through my mind. "D-Mail." "[sarcastic] There goes Okarin again, being all dramatic. It's just a broken microwave, right? Probably." "[angry] Wrong! This is a device of fate, one that manipulates the very causality of the world! El Psy Kongroo... that is the choice of Steins Gate!" Daru-san fired off a half-smirking retort, and Okabe-san got all worked up arguing back. The usual lab scene. But my heart was pounding for a different reason. I made up my mind. From my sleeve, I took out that scrap of notebook paper. "[whispers] Um... Okabe-san. This..." With a trembling hand, I held out the scrap of paper. Okabe-san's gaze fell upon it. —In an instant, the atmosphere changed. The joking mood from just moments ago vanished as if it had been a lie. The expression drained cleanly from Okabe-san's face. His playful eyes turned, abruptly, terribly cold. It was like looking at a completely different person. "...Ruka. Where did you get that?" A low voice. A voice devoid of warmth. "[scared] Y-yesterday... at the shrine. I picked it up..." My voice came out so small and hoarse it surprised even me. Okabe-san snatched the scrap of paper from me and crushed it in his fist. "[cold] Pretend you never saw it." He said it flatly, cutting me off. "...Huh?" "[cold] This has nothing to do with you. Forget it." Nothing to do with me. Those words stabbed into my chest like a sharp knife. —I have nothing to do with it. —Even though he called me his precious asset. —In the end, I'm just a "decoration," not even trusted enough to share a secret with. Heat welled up behind my eyes, blurring my vision. "[scared] I-I'm sorry... I was intruding..." That was all I could manage to say. I turned around and lunged for the door. I fumbled roughly with the knob, yanked it open, and fled into the hallway. "[angry] Wait, Ruka!" Okabe-san's voice chased after my back. But I couldn't stop anymore. I practically tumbled down the dim staircase, nearly stumbling over and over. I burst out of Suimei Manor and ran through the alley. I emerged onto Akihabara's main street. The pedestrian paradise was packed with crowds of people. Anime songs blared at full volume, maids handed out flyers, and everyone was laughing and having fun. In the middle of that bustling crowd, I stood alone, frozen. —Nothing to do with me. Okabe-san's cold voice repeated over and over in my ears. The tears wouldn't stop overflowing. Not caring who saw me, I stood in a corner of Akihabara and cried, stifling my sobs. I really wasn't a member of the lab after all. To Okabe-san, I was just a boy who didn't matter whether he was there or not. Thinking that, I felt like my chest would burst. Evening. With eyes swollen from crying, I returned to Yanabayashi Shrine. The great ginkgo tree in the shrine grounds glowed orange in the light of the setting sun. I couldn't bring myself to do anything anymore today. I just wanted to hurry back to the shrine office and hide under my futon. That was what I was thinking when I passed in front of the worship hall. "[gentle] ...Ruka." I gasped and looked up. Okabe-san was standing beneath the plum tree. He wasn't doing his usual pose with one hand held before his face. He was just standing there straight, looking at me with earnest eyes. After I'd fled the lab, he'd gone on ahead and been waiting here for me all this time. "[sad] O-Okabe-san..." "[serious] I'm sorry." Okabe-san bowed his head deeply. His voice held none of his usual exaggerated theatrics — it was his real voice, genuinely apologetic. "[sad] The way I spoke earlier was wrong of me. I didn't mean to hurt you." "[sad] But... there's no way I have nothing to do with you, Okabe-san..." "[serious] You do. Very much so." Okabe-san cut me off. His face, lit by the setting sun, was deeply serious — and just a little pained. "[serious] You are my precious asset. That's exactly why I absolutely didn't want to drag you into something so dangerous." —Something dangerous. "[whispers] Dangerous... you mean what was written on that paper? That the past... can be changed, or..." Okabe-san started to say something, then closed his mouth. After a long silence, he let out a deep breath and looked me straight in the eyes once more. "[serious] Yeah. You might not believe it, but this isn't a game. Right now, I'm caught up in something unthinkable — something I can't tell you about. ...But remember this. You are my proud lab member. That is a truth that will never change, no matter what happens." Okabe-san gently placed his hand on my head. A large palm. Warm. —The tears welled up again. But this time, they were different from before. It was frustrating, but I was happy. It was frustrating that he still wouldn't tell me anything. But the feeling that Okabe-san truly cared about me — that alone came through so strongly it ached. "[crying] Yes... thank you... so much..." With my face a mess from crying, I still managed to make the biggest smile I could. Our bond was certainly mended. But deep in my chest, a small hole remained, gaping open. (I can never be Okabe-san's "number one.") A vague but undeniable loneliness was there. Late at night. Even after I'd crawled into my futon, Okabe-san's face wouldn't leave my mind. Something dangerous. Didn't want to drag me in. Just what could that be? Before I knew it, I'd thrown a cardigan over my nightclothes and was standing outside the shrine. The humid air of the summer night clung to my skin. My feet, I realized, had naturally carried me toward Suimei Manor. Even though it was so late, light spilled from the lab's window. Okabe-san is still awake. I thought that, and had just drawn a little closer — when it happened. "[cold] Okabe, I'll say it one more time. If you keep repeating time leaps, your mind won't hold out." A crisp, clear female voice I didn't recognize. Reflexively, I hid myself against the building's wall. Timidly, I peered inside through the window. There was Okabe-san — and another person. A woman so breathtakingly beautiful I'd never seen anyone like her. Vivid reddish-brown hair that reached all the way to her waist. Narrow, intelligent violet eyes that held a light of intellect. A flawless face that drew the gaze of anyone who looked. She stood with her arms crossed, fixing Okabe-san with a stern glare. "[cold] The theory is perfect. But it's a human brain that has to execute it. Every time you send your memories back to your past self, your brain gets damaged, little by little. You're already under strain from the Reading Steiner as it is — anything more is out of the question." Reading Steiner. Time leap. Nothing but words I didn't understand. "[sad] ...Even so, I have to do it, Kurisu. This is the only way to save Mayuri..." "[cold] A method to avoid Mayuri's death hasn't been found yet. This is nothing more than a self-satisfied experiment, driven by your own fear." Mayuri. Death. It was a shock like being struck in the head with a hammer. Between the two of them, there was a deep, deep, special bond — one I could never enter. A world shared only by comrades who possessed the same knowledge and faced the same secret. The one who shared Okabe-san's deepest secret wasn't me. It was that beautiful woman. My chest tightened with a grinding ache. This is jealousy. The person qualified to stand beside Okabe-san is someone like her — a genius, and beautiful. Not someone like me, who has no power at all. Stifling my footsteps, I left that place. The lukewarm night wind brushed against my cheek, alone as I was. I will never be allowed into Okabe's secret. That fact remained lodged in my chest, heavy and cold, as my Tuesday came to an end. On the way back to the shrine, the neon lights of Akihabara just looked terribly, blurrily smeared.