In Tokyo-3, the battles against the Angels have almost become routine. But for Shinji Ikari, pilot of Eva Unit-01, a single, painful question gnaws at his heart. His father and NERV Commander, Gendo Ikari, has never praised him. He's never even had a real conversation with him.
Caught in this gloomy mood, Shinji bickers as always with his classmate and Eva Unit-02 pilot, Asuka Langley Soryu. 'How long are you gonna mope around?! Do something for yourself for once!' Asuka yells. Shinji mutters b
Evangelion IF: Tomorrow, with a Smile - The Thorn in My Heart, My Father's Silence
Shinji squinted against the morning light streaming through the window.
The sky was blue again today.
It was a normal sight in Japan, now that summer had become the only season, but Shinji still found this blueness a little hard to take. It felt like the whole world was seeing right through him, and it made him uneasy.
"Come on, Shinji, don't dawdle! Misato's special curry is gonna get cold!"
Misato waved energetically from the dining table. Her long black hair was loosely tied back, and her face, with its center-parted bangs, was smiling brightly as always. Her large black eyes sparkled, reflecting the morning light.
"Okaaay, I'm coming..."
Shinji let out a small sigh and then sat down in a chair.
At the table were Misato and one other person.
A girl with waist-length, bright blonde hair in twintails, Souryuu Asuka Langley, was biting into a piece of bread with a sullen look. The moment her assertive blue eyes saw Shinji's face, they narrowed sharply.
"You're late! What are you dawdling around for every single morning?!"
"Dawdling... I wasn't, I was just spacing out a little..."
"A little? Is your 'little' measured in ten-minute units? What kind of Eva pilot does that make you?!"
With that, Asuka snorted "hmph" and bit into her bread again.
Shinji looked down. His slightly long black bangs fell over his eyes. His large brown eyes clouded over for just a moment. He curled his androgynous, slender body up even smaller and silently carried his food to his mouth.
"Now, now, Asuka. Don't get so angry first thing in the morning."
Misato gave a wry smile and took a sip of her canned beer. Her face as their guardian was always like this. A slob at home, careless, but sometimes, her eyes would look incredibly worried.
Shinji was a little bad with those eyes.
Every time an adult worried about him, he felt like he was being reminded of just how useless a person he was.
(I wonder what Father thinks of me.)
The thought suddenly crossed his mind.
Unconsciously, Shinji pressed his hand tightly against his chest.
Ikari Gendou.
The supreme commander of NERV, and Shinji's father.
His short-cropped black hair was mixed with white, his face covered in stubble. His cold brown eyes showed no emotion whatsoever.
Shinji had almost no memory of exchanging words with his father.
He'd never been praised, not even once.
He was just told to get in Eva Unit-01 and fight.
That was all.
"Oh, right! How about we check out that new crepe shop on Miyoshi Street today? You know, that shopping district. Near 'Tenhou,' where we had ramen before!"
"Crepes? At your age, you're into sweets? It's a wonder you can even hold down the job of Operations Director like that."
"Sweets are brain food! You'll come too, right, Shinji?"
"Ah... yeah. But I have something to do today..."
Shinji's words trailed off vaguely.
Something to do.
That was, going to see his father.
Today, for sure, he would try to talk to him.
Not just fighting, but properly, with his own words.
He wanted to ask what his father thought of him.
Even if he already knew the answer.
On his way home from school, Shinji came alone to a high vantage point.
This promenade in the artificial lakeside park, overlooking Tokyo-3, was one of his few places of escape.
The city was quiet.
Buildings lined up in orderly rows like a grid. In the distance, the surface of Lake Ashi glittered. About seventy thousand people lived in this fortress city, built using the caldera terrain of the old Hakone area.
But to Shinji, it all felt like something borrowed.
Nine hundred meters underground.
Directly beneath this city lay a gigantic spherical cavity, the GeoFront. At its center, a pyramid-shaped structure.
The UN special agency, NERV Headquarters.
And in its deepest level, the man who controlled everything.
Ikari Gendou.
Shinji pushed his earphones in.
As always, he played music without any real meaning.
What streamed out was ordinary J-POP. None of the lyrics entered his head.
(Every time I come here, I remember.)
The memory of being abandoned by his father as a child.
After his mother, Ikari Yui, died, his father left Shinji with relatives and went back to GEHIRN, NERV's predecessor organization.
That was the last of it.
He was only called back when the Angels appeared and he was told to pilot the Eva.
"Am I... just a tool?"
He murmured it, then immediately shook his head.
(No. I'm going to go find out. Today, for sure.)
Shinji clenched his fist.
Deep in his chest, a throbbing pain.
Was it the pain of determination? Or just fear?
He didn't really know himself.
That's when it happened.
A high-pitched alarm blared throughout the city.
*'Emergency. Emergency. An object believed to be an Angel has been detected in Tokyo-3. All citizens, please evacuate to your designated shelters immediately.'*
The mechanical announcement repeated over and over.
Shinji's body moved on its own.
The training, repeated countless times, was ingrained in him.
He started running. Heading for the underground entrance that led to NERV Headquarters.
The Central Dogma command center in the GeoFront was already at battle stations.
"Target is the Sixth Angel, advancing from the Sagami Bay area. Pattern: Blue. A.T. Field strength, now measuring!"
"Roger. Hurry preparations to launch Unit-01!"
Misato's voice was completely different from her lazy one at home. Sharp, and coldly efficient.
Inside the entry plug, sinking his body into the lukewarm liquid of the LCL, Shinji thought absently.
(Misato-san is good at switching gears.)
"Shinji-kun, can you hear me? This Angel is quite powerful. It'll be urban combat. Please, don't push yourself too hard."
"...Yes."
Don't push yourself too hard.
Those words, for some reason, caught in his chest.
Unit-01 was launched to the surface by the catapult.
The buildings of Tokyo-3 retracted underground.
In their place appeared countless weapon buildings, and standing in the center of them, a bizarre entity.
An Angel.
Its entire body had a metallic luster, a long and slender form. Two whip-like tentacles swayed back and forth.
A chill ran down Shinji's spine.
(I'm scared.)
An honest emotion dominated his heart.
"Ugh... I can't... move..."
Unit-01's sync ratio fluctuated wildly. His fear was directly affecting his control.
(Why am I here?)
(Because my father told me to be.)
(But that's not because it was me. It just happened to be me who could pilot Unit-01.)
Someone's screams flowed through the comms, mixed with noise.
They belonged to the soldiers of the Strategic Self-Defense Force, fighting in outdated tanks.
"Damn it! Our attacks can't get through the A.T. Field! Retreat, retreat... Aaaagh!"
The Angel's tentacles blew the tanks away like scraps of paper.
From under a blown-off turret, a bleeding JSSDF officer desperately crawled out.
The sight was displayed on Shinji's monitor.
(That person... I have to protect him.)
In an instant, his body moved.
Before his mind could think, Unit-01 had kicked off the ground.
"Uwaaaaaah!"
Shinji screamed.
He swung down the Progressive Knife gripped in his right hand—an Eva's standard close-combat weapon that cuts objects with high-frequency vibration—with all his might.
The A.T. Field neutralized in a shower of sparks.
The absolute, inviolable defensive wall.
A wall that only an Eva could break through.
The blade pierced the Angel's core.
The red sphere cracked, and then shattered.
The Angel's giant body collapsed without a sound.
All the strength drained from Shinji's body.
(It's over...)
There wasn't a shred of battle euphoria.
He was just utterly exhausted, and felt a little like crying.
After the battle, in NERV's dedicated hospital wing.
Shinji sat on a white bed. A simple checkup was routine. There was nothing wrong with his body.
But his heart was in tatters.
(Did I... manage to protect them?)
(Did that JSSDF officer survive?)
He didn't know.
All he had been thinking about during the entire fight was, after all, his father.
A figure appeared on the monitor in the corner of the room.
Ikari Gendou.
He was, as usual, probably in the Central Dogma command center. The light of the giant MAGI displays was visible behind him.
Gendou wasn't looking at Shinji. His stubbled profile shone coldly.
(Now.)
Shinji jumped off the bed and reached for the communication panel on the wall.
"...F-Father."
His voice trembled.
Gendou's eyebrow moved slightly.
"Um, it's about the battle today. At that time, I thought I had to protect the JSSDF people... so, um..."
The words wouldn't come out right.
"What is your business?"
His father's voice was cold as ice.
"Business, well... I just wanted to talk a little. Properly, with you, Father..."
"If you have no business, I'm hanging up."
"Wait! Just one word is fine! What do you think of—"
The communication was cut, mercilessly.
His father's face disappeared from the monitor, replaced by static.
Shinji collapsed on the spot.
Tears overflowed, one after another.
"What you think... I just wanted to ask that..."
A voiceless voice leaked out.
His own existence felt like a mere part.
A replaceable cog, just for moving the Eva.
(As I thought, I'm just a tool.)
(To my father, I am.)
Despair surged in like a black wave, swallowing Shinji's heart.
How long had he been like that?
When he came to, Shinji was curled up on the bed in his own room.
The Katsuragi residence, in the Comfort 17 Mansion. From the living room, he could faintly hear Misato and Asuka's voices.
But those voices were distant, and didn't reach Shinji's ears.
Only the pitch-black thing in his chest kept him tied to the bed.
(I don't care anymore.)
It was already dark outside.
Only the artificial lights of the city shone through the window.
That's when it happened.
Bang, bang.
An ill-tempered, violent knock struck the door of his room.
"Hey, Shinji! I know you're in there, open up!"
It was Asuka's voice.
"Your movements in today's battle were weird! I have something to talk to you about!"
From the other side of the door, he could hear Asuka stamping her foot.
Shinji didn't answer.
He just pressed his hand tightly against his chest, over the blanket.
The knocking continued for a while.
And then, suddenly, it stopped.
(Did she leave?)
The moment he thought that.
*Click.*
The sound of the doorknob turning,
"I'm coming in!"
The blonde twintails burst into the room.
She looked down at Shinji, curled up on the bed, put her hands on her hips, and raised her assertive blue eyes even more sharply.
Those eyes looked angry.
But, just a little, they were wavering.
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