Neon Genesis Evangelion IF: Zeruel's Question, and My Answer...
Shinji Ikari was tired of everything. Fighting the mysterious Angels in Evangelion Unit-01, yet no one praised him. His father was cold, his comrades fractured. His heart was in tatters. Then, the strongest enemy, the 14th Angel Zeruel, attacks NERV HQ. Unit-01 runs out of power. The situation is hopeless.
'I can't take this anymore...!'
As Shinji screams in his heart, Zeruel's voice echoes directly in his mind. 'Why do you fight? Why do you cling to life so desperately?' It wasn't the voice o
Neon Genesis Evangelion IF: Zeruel's Question, and My Answer... - Rei's Tears, and the Awakening to Choose
The underground shelter.
Pitch black, the air cold and heavy. Only the emergency lights on the walls glowed faintly, pale blue. This place was supposed to be a refuge from the Angel attacks. But now, it was a cage trapping the two of them.
Ikari Shinji sat slumped on the cold concrete floor. His white shirt, worn for days now, was wrinkled all over. Slightly bed-mussed black hair, deep brown eyes. Those eyes stared fixedly at a single point on the floor in the darkness.
(How long has it been...?)
He had no idea what was happening outside. The food was just a little hardtack that Misato had found. The water, too, was nearly gone.
Beside him, Katsuragi Misato leaned against the wall with her eyes closed. Her long black hair, reaching to her waist, was disheveled and clung to her cheeks. Her usually bright, large brown eyes were now shut, her face utterly exhausted.
(Misato-san... this is all because of me)
Shinji clenched his fists tightly.
NERV Headquarters had been taken over by an organization called SEELE. His father had called him a "sample" and locked him away in the lowest level, a place called Baldiel. Misato-san had rescued him, and they'd fled together... but in the end, they'd been trapped in this underground shelter.
On the surface, Asuka was alone, screaming and crying atop the broken Evangelion Unit-02. Even now, her voice seemed to echo down here sometimes, carried with distant vibrations.
(Everyone... it's all because of me...)
His chest was a tangled mess. The world was ending. His father was trying to start something. And in the middle of it all, he alone knew nothing.
That was when it happened.
THUD.
A heavy, hard sound echoed against the shelter wall.
"...!"
Shinji instinctively looked up.
Misato jolted awake too.
"What was that sound?!"
THUD. THUD. THUD.
The sound grew louder and louder. It wasn't the wall. It was the sound of someone—something—pounding against the shelter from outside.
"No way... an Angel?!"
Misato stepped in front of Shinji. Her hands were trembling slightly.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
The sound intensified. The wall began to creak and groan in protest.
And then.
CRACK... CRACK... CRACK...!
The special armored bulkhead, which should have been dozens of centimeters thick, peeled open from the outside like it was made of paper.
"Get down, Shinji-kun!!"
Misato threw herself over Shinji, pressing them both to the floor.
BOOOOM!!!
A deafening roar. Dust. Debris flew mercilessly into Shinji's hair, his skin. His ears rang painfully.
(...What is...)
Shinji strained his eyes.
Beyond the dust. Through the massive hole in the broken bulkhead, faint light streamed in.
In that light, there was a figure.
A small, slender silhouette of a girl.
She wore a pure white plug suit, covered in mud and dust. Her short pale blue hair caught the light, soft and fluffy like snow. And her red eyes—so deep they seemed to pull you in—stared straight down at them.
"Ayanami... Rei"
The name slipped faintly from Shinji's lips.
Rei looked at them with an emotionless face. But her right arm hung limply at her side.
"I came"
Rei's voice was the same as always. Quiet, almost cold.
"Wait, Rei!? How did you get here... and your arm!"
Misato shouted, stepping forward as if to shield Shinji.
Rei glanced at her own limp right arm for just a moment.
"I destroyed the bulkhead with an A.T. Field. The recoil cracked the bone. It's not a problem"
"It IS a problem! And wait—with an A.T. Field?! Without an Eva?!"
Rei didn't answer Misato's question. She quietly walked up to Shinji.
"Ikari-kun"
Shinji looked up at her from where he sat on the floor.
(...These eyes)
Ever since fusing with Zeruel, Shinji could see people's hearts as "colors."
Around Rei, there was almost no color at all.
Everyone had some kind of color. Joy was a warm gold, sorrow a deep blue, anger a burning red. Those colors overflowed from people's hearts, wavering and flickering.
But Rei had none of that.
Transparent.
Like the bottom of deep water—quiet, and empty.
(...No)
Shinji focused his eyes.
It wasn't that there was nothing.
Deep, deep within her heart, a color lay sunken.
A dark, cold blue, almost black. A color like the very bottom of the ocean. It was different from loneliness.
(This is... the sadness of "not having a self"...?)
A self that had never existed from the beginning.
A replacement for someone. Something interchangeable.
So even if she disappeared, no one would grieve.
She hadn't even been given the emotion of grief in the first place.
(...How painful)
Shinji's chest tightened.
"Ikari-kun. I have something to tell you"
Rei continued in her emotionless voice.
"Commander Ikari's goal is not the Human Instrumentality Project. It is to meet the soul of Ikari Yui, who resides within Unit-01, once more. That is all"
"W-wait. Yui-san... that's Shinji-kun's mother!? What does that mean!?"
"Ikari Yui's soul is synchronized with Unit-01. The Commander is trying to use the Instrumentality Project to make contact with it. SEELE desires the fusion of all humanity. The Commander's goal and SEELE's goal are different"
Rei continued to state facts flatly, one after another.
"And the final Angel, Nagisa Kaworu, is currently heading toward Central Dogma. If he touches Lilith, Third Impact will begin. Humanity will end"
"Wh-what is all this...! SEELE wants human fusion? Gendou wants to reunite with Yui-san? And for that, he'd use you all... the world!?"
The color drained from Misato's face. She hadn't known. Nothing at all. She, who should have been at the center of NERV as the Operations Director, had been told nothing.
"Everything... everything was like this from the start...! Fighting Angels, protecting the city, everyone dying... and you're telling me it was all part of their plan!?"
Shinji could see Misato's emotional colors clearly.
The red of her anger blazed from her entire body like flames.
But beneath those flames, the deep blue of sorrow—no, something darker, the black of despair—swirled quietly.
"...I believe you"
Misato forced the words out.
"I don't know if what Rei's saying is true. But... one thing's for sure: NERV right now is wrong. Locking Shinji-kun away in a place like that. I don't need to be told twice that SEELE's people, with their friendly faces, are planning something monstrous"
Misato turned to Shinji.
"Shinji-kun. What do you think?"
Shinji looked at Rei.
Rei was looking at him. Her red eyes were like glass marbles—he still couldn't tell what she was thinking.
But Shinji could see it.
The color sunken deep within her was trembling, ever so faintly.
"...I believe her"
Shinji said quietly.
"Rei doesn't lie. ...Besides, I'd already started to realize it too, looking at my father's eyes. He doesn't see me, or the world, or anything. He's just trying to get something back... that's the feeling I got"
Rei's red eyes seemed to waver—just a millimeter.
"There is one more thing I must tell you"
Rei turned to face Shinji directly.
"I was told by Commander Ikari. If you tried to board Unit-01... I was to stop you. And if you were still connected to the Angels..."
Rei's voice was as emotionless as ever.
Like she was reading a weather forecast off the radio.
"I can die for you. Ikari-kun. The Commander sees you as a threat. I must stop you. That is my reason for existing"
Silence fell over the underground shelter.
Only the low hum of the ventilation fan could be heard.
Misato gasped.
Shinji stared at Rei's face.
(She can die... for me...)
Her voice was serious. This wasn't a lie, or a threat. This girl was genuinely trying to use her own life like it was some kind of button.
Because she was a replaceable doll.
In Shinji's vision, the color of Rei's heart spread out.
That deep, dark blue.
But deeper still.
At the very, very bottom.
In the darkness, there was a single, tiny light.
Small like a candle flame, faint and white, about to go out at any moment.
(...This is)
Shinji held his breath.
Inside that light, there was something.
Something hazy, formless, like a mist.
(I want to choose for myself)
He felt like he heard a voice.
(I want to live by my own will)
(Not as someone's replacement...)
(As a single human being...)
At the very bottom of Rei's heart, there was a wish this small.
And she herself hadn't even noticed it yet.
Because she'd never been allowed to notice.
"Rei"
Shinji unsteadily got to his feet.
Rei looked up at him, expressionless.
He stood before her.
His legs were shaking.
(Someone like me... but still)
Shinji clenched his trembling hands into fists.
He couldn't say the next words unless he made some kind of resolution first.
"You're... you're not a replacement for anyone"
Rei's red eyes stared at Shinji.
"...Why can you say that?"
"Because I can see it"
Shinji pointed at his own eyes.
"I can see people as colors. The colors of their hearts. Your heart, Rei... it's so quiet, and transparent... and beautiful. But deep inside it, there's something that's been holding its breath for so, so long. ...Rei, it's your own feelings"
Rei's expression clouded slightly.
"...I don't understand. I've never thought about my own feelings"
"Yeah. That's why I'm telling you"
Shinji took a step forward.
"What's deep inside you is light. A light that says 'I want to choose for myself.' That's your true feeling. I can see it"
Hesitantly, Shinji slowly extended his right hand toward Rei.
His fingertips were still trembling.
"...Rei. You're fine just the way you are"
The moment he said those words—
Something burst deep within Rei's red eyes.
Like a single tear dropping onto the surface of a quiet lake.
Ripples spread.
Color began to bloom in her transparent heart.
A faint, pale, cherry-blossom pink.
(Warm...)
Shinji gently took her hand.
Rei's hand was cold as ice.
"I am... I am replaceable. Ikari-kun. I am a clone with Lilith's soul. No matter how many times my body breaks, there are spares of me. I am an existence that doesn't need to be me"
"That's not true"
Shinji shook his head.
"There's only one you. The Rei here right now is the only one in the world. No one can take your place. ...I know that"
Shinji squeezed her hand a little tighter.
"So you don't have to die. You can live for yourself"
Rei's eyes widened.
The color of her emotions began to shine brightly.
(Ah...)
Shinji saw it.
That deep blue sunken at the very bottom of her heart—it was dissolving.
Like ice melting in the spring sunlight.
A droplet ran down her white cheek.
"...Ikari-kun"
Her voice trembled.
It was the first time.
The first time Rei had put emotion into her voice like this.
"I... I..."
Rei choked on her words for a moment, then opened her mouth with a face on the verge of tears.
"I... want to live"
The words were so small and faint they seemed about to vanish.
But they resonated in Shinji's heart with perfect clarity.
(...Thank goodness)
Shinji thought that from the bottom of his heart.
"Yeah"
Shinji wrapped both hands around Rei's.
"Let's go together, Rei. Not to run away—to choose. For the sake of living"
That was when it happened.
DOOOM...!!
From deeper underground, a massive vibration like thunder roared through the earth.
"Wh-what!?"
DOOOM...!! DOOOM...!!
The vibrations grew stronger, the floor shaking in small tremors.
*That's... underground...*
Zeruel's memories flooded into Shinji's mind.
A deep, dark, enormous space.
Central Dogma. There, a white giant was crucified.
Lilith.
And before it, a boy with silver hair stood.
Nagisa Kaworu.
He was looking up at Lilith with an innocent, childlike smile.
(...He's coming)
The golden light in Shinji's eyes flared brightly for an instant.
"Kaworu... the final Angel is almost here. He's standing before Lilith in Central Dogma"
"What do we do, Shinji-kun? Unit-01 is frozen, sealed in Baldiel..."
"Still, I have to do it"
Shinji looked straight into Misato's eyes.
"Misato-san. I'm not r
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